What they really meant: translating right wing talk

Christine O’Donnell:

“It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be be abstinent alone. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery, so you can’t masturbate without lust.”

Translation:

“I have Daddy issues.”

Rush Limbaugh:

“Look, let me put it to you this way: the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it.”

Translation:

“The NFL should return to the days of segregation. If they let me buy the Rams, I’ll make it a point to only sign white players.”
[smartads]
Glenn Beck:

“I beg you, look for the words ‘social justice’ or ‘economic justice’ on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words.”

Translation:

“They’re coming for me! The Commies! The Commies! They’re everywhere! Help!”

Bill O’Reilly:

“Lotsa people want to hurt me. That’s the price you pay for being a big mouth.”

Translation:

“Yes, I’m a loud-mouthed, obnoxious bastard. Got a problem with it?”

Ann Coulter:

“We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren’t punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That’s war. And this is war.”

Translation:

“I’m afraid of anyone who’s different. The only solution is to force them to be just like me.”

George Bush:

“They misunderestimated me.”

Translation:

“Hooked on phonics worked for me.”

Sarah Palin:

[On which newspapers she reads”All of ‘em, any of ‘em that have been in front of me over all these years.”

Translation:

“Read? Me? Are you serious?”